Sports

Murphy’s Law: Expect the unexpected

The Phoenix sports section has a proud tradition of providing quality and well-informed predictions for professional and college championships. Unfortunately, the semester is coming to a close, and we won’t be in production to cover the NBA and NHL championships. However, since this is Murphy’s Law, I’m going to look at all of the things that could go wrong in the two respective championships.

NBA

Angry fans kidnap LeBron
It’s no secret that jilted Cleveland Cavalier fans are still harboring bitter feelings towards their former hero who abandoned them to pursue personal bling. Because LeBron and the Heat won last year, the fans collectively decided that it’s time for LeBron to return home. Unfortunately for the Heat, in LeBron’s absence, Miami had to rely on Chris Bosh, who technically should be extinct.

Derrick Rose returns
Though good news for Chicagoans and Bulls fans, Rose’s return would spell certain disaster for all other competing teams. The return, however, would be extremely dramatic. Imagine the scene in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, when the crippled child walks for the first time and his braces fall from his legs. In Rose’s case, the Bulls will be down three games, and in game four, he will rise from the bench, his knee brace will fall off and he will lead the Bulls to utter domination. No one else will stand a chance, and newspapers everywhere will have a field day with puns (i.e. “Bulls Rose Victorious from Ashes of Regular Season” or “Bulls’ Competition Knee-ds a Miracle”).

Monstars want revenge
Though it took them 17 years to recuperate after the devastating loss to Michael Jordan and the rest of the Looney Tunes, as seen in the 1996 film Space Jam, the Monstars from Moron Mountain will attempt to use the same strategy to win a rematch. For those who haven’t seen Space Jam, the Monstars were able to compete by stealing talent from the best players in the NBA. Obviously, this would be disastrous for the NBA during the championship in terms of basketball played, though the entertainment factor would increase exponentially.

NHL

Mike Bolt loses the Stanley Cup
As per tradition of the Stanley Cup, the name of the trophy given to the team who wins the NHL championship, the cup rotates around the players of the winning team. As expected, a lot can happen to a large trophy when it’s handled by so many. However, Mike Bolt is the infamous guard of the Cup as it travels. If he were to lose the cup along the way, all of the players would lose their incentive to play. No prize would yield few results. The hockey community would collectively be too preoccupied grieving the loss instead of actually watching the sport.

The Blackhawks lose
The Blackhawks are a heavy favorite to win the Stanley Cup. They were one of the first teams to clinch a berth in the playoffs and continue to win as the season winds down. Although who the Hawks play in the first round has not yet been determined, playoff time is when unexpected teams show up to play. There is statistically a 50 percent chance that they lose in the first round. If that should happen, Chicago would be more shocked and devastated than they were after the Steve Bartman debacle.

No pucks are given
Though it’s highly unlikely, if no pucks are given, no hockey can be played.

by Bridget Murphy

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