Last week’s announcement that pop singer Ke$ha would not be performing at Colossus has been fortunately followed up by another announcement by Loyola’s Department of Programming ((dop)), which has booked a single member of the British sensation One Direction.
The identity of the One Direction member is to remain a mystery until a balloon-filled bash at Damen Student Center next week, though ((dop)) has asked that students attending remain respectful and peaceable even if it is not the individual One Direction member they wanted.
The ((dop)) statement read, “We’re so excited that one member of One Direction will be performing at the March 14 concert. Let’s repeat that for all potential ticket owners: That’s a fifth of One Direction that will perform by himself at Colossus. Still, we’re pretty excited.”
In an interview with The Phoenix, ((dop)) revealed that members had been up many days and nights deciding on a replacement. Due to an unexpected cancellation and the limited time before the event, ((dop)) members’ normal practice of donning their signature yellow robes, forming a circle in a smoky room and chanting in unison until they arrive at the next performer’s name would not suffice.
“The Fates have mislead us about the song maiden Ke$ha. We will turn to darker paths to choose her replacement,” said a ((dop)) spokesperson, interrupting a stream of babbling in tongues, some unheard of on this Earth for many thousands of moons.
((dop))’s backup plan originally involved the sacrifice of a rabbit from the Lake Shore Campus under a full moon. However, they were forced to “adjust the recipe a bit” since several key members of the department had plans on the next full moon.
When asked about the pagan and possibly violent nature of ((dop))’s deliberative methods, the Rev. Michael J. Garanzini responded, “I hope it’s Harry Styles.”
Because of these logistical hurdles, the members of ((dop)) compromised by gathering in a board room and discussing Ke$ha’s replacement, while wearing normal clothes. The conversation resulted in the choice of One Direction.
“Those five heartthrobs are as perfect an act as Loyola could dream of for Colossus!” a ((dop)) board member commented.
After consulting the budget, though, ((dop)) realized it had a fifth of what it would cost to book the British pop stars.
“One of those five heartthrobs is about as perfect for Colossus as Loyola could reasonably expect!” said the same board member.
Surprisingly, philosophy professor Stephanie Hawker proposed a problem with the booking.
“I’m presenting a paper on this conundrum at a symposium this spring. The name of the group is ‘One Direction,’ but it consists of five discrete parts. Metaphysically, what happens when only one of those parts dances and sings separately from the rest? Will he be One Fifth of a Direction? Or will the direction be even more ‘One’ than ever? It presents a troubling wrinkle in the fabric of reality itself.”
Hawker added, “I hope it is Zayn.”
It’s entirely possible that after the announcement, comedian Mike Birbiglia tweeted, “If anyone cares, I’m still doing stand up at #Colossus2014.” I really don’t know, no one has been paying much attention to him.
One Direction concluded its message to Loyola Students, “Though four of us could not care less, one of us is very excited to be performing at Colossus. We are happy to say that on the date of the show, there is only a 40 percent chance he will also be in rehab.”
This piece of satire was written by Brian Bennett, a contributing columnist. You can contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.