The "Kleenix"

Monstars strike again

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The Monstars are a group of intergalactic thugs whose only known Kryptonite is a half-court dunk.

It has been a tough year for Loyola Athletics, a year filled with catastrophic injuries and disappointing finishes from teams across nearly every sport. And the athletes think they have found the problem: They believe their talent has been stolen.

“Did you see that movie Space Jam? That wasn’t fiction. That’s a real problem that a lot of teams face every year. It happens to DePaul basketball pretty much every year,” Men’s Basketball Head Coach Porter Moser said.

While they acknowledge that they have no proof, players and coaches suspect a group calling themselves “the Monstars” of being the talent thieves.

“They’re the ones with the technology. We know they’ve done it before. But we can’t prove it’s them, and we can’t catch them. It’s very frustrating,” Moser said.

“We tried to get Newman to go talk to Michael Jordan to get him involved, but M.J. wouldn’t do it. He’s still working on getting the Bobcats’ talent back,” Moser added.

One team the Monstars seem to have missed is the Men’s Volleyball team, who are ranked No. 1 in the nation.

“We knew something was going on,” Head Volleyball Coach Shane Davis said. “So we haven’t let any outsiders near our practices. We need to keep this talent.”

In the meantime, Loyola’s athletes will continue to look for the missing talents, while fans of the teams are left to wonder what might have been.

Bill Murray and Bugs Bunny were unavailable for comment.

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