The "Kleenix"

A few steps back means many steps forward for Athletic Department

This is the scene that inspired the Athletic Department’s new plan.

In the wake of the departure of Athletic Director M. Grace Calhoun, Loyola’s Athletic Department has announced a controversial new plan for the future — and past — of the department and athletics at Loyola. The department plans to go back to 1963 (PREACH) and endlessly relive the glory days of Rambler basketball.

The idea was inspired by the character Uncle Rico, who is featured in the popular film Napoleon Dynamite. In the movie, Rico is a struggling football player who longs for the glory days of the past, a sentiment with which Loyola’s Athletic Department can heavily sympathize.

“We watched the movie thoroughly several times, and every time we felt like we were living Rico’s story,” Senior Associate Athletic Director Dr. Tom Hitcho said. “Ultimately, we decided that Rico’s actions were the only logical plan for him, and we hope to implement a similar strategy for Loyola Athletics.”

Rico’s plan of action was to use a time machine to return to 1982 and win the state championship football game. For Loyola, the time machine would be used to return to 1963 (PREACH), the year the Men’s Basketball team won the NCAA tournament while advocating for civil rights.

So far, every spare Athletic Department employee is scouring the Internet for traces of this elusive time machine.

“Well, things are getting pretty serious right now. I mean, we search online for, like, two hours every day,” intern Deb Kipperson said. “So I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.”

Kipperson was the intern who found a variety pack of time machines for sale, but fiscally, the department was not able to make the purchase.

“You know we can’t afford the fun pack,” Hitcho said. “What, do you think money grows on trees in this department?  Take it back.”

Even student groups are becoming involved to support the plan. Unified Student Government Association (USGA) is lobbying for other departments at Loyola to get involved.

“Vote for this plan and all your wildest dreams will come true,” USGA President Pedro Sanchez said.

The department is also working on the “1963-ization” (PREACH) of Loyola Athletics as a whole, including changes to athletes’ wardrobes, hairstyles and lingo.

“Take a look at what I’m wearing,” star Men’s Basketball player Milton Doyle said while showing off his new threads. “Do you think anyone wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I’m wearing these bad boys? I didn’t think so.”

Not everyone at the university is on board, however.

“This is pretty much the worst plan ever made,” President Rev. Michael J. Garanzini, S.J., said.

The Athletic Department, though, is not letting criticism slow down progress or decrease morale.

“You know what, Garanzini?” Hitcho said. “You can leave.”


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