Sports Columns

Joaq the Walk: Curry proves you don’t need beard to win MVP

Noah Salzman//Wikimedia

I don’t like James Harden or his viking beard.

I do like Chef Curry with the pot, boy.

By that logic, Stephen Curry should win the MVP.

I wish it were that easy. Unfortunately, there was nothing logical about the two sentences that kicked off this article. In fact, that argument wouldn’t hold up in a court presided over by a brain-dead penguin.

So I will have to prove that Curry deserves the award using what many analytical experts like to call “facts.”

You may ask, “How could you not pick Harden, who leads the league in scoring at 27.7 points per game and has carried a Houston Rockets team to second in the ridiculously deep Western Conference? And with Dwight Howard out with injuries for a significant part of the year, Harden has done it virtually by himself.”

Well, first off, your hypothetical questions are very long-winded. Please be more concise.

Secondly, Harden doesn’t seem like an exceptionally nice person.

Nice people deserve nice things. Steph Curry seems nice…

Oh right, don’t sound like a moron. Got it.

While Harden does lead the league in scoring, almost a third of his points come from the free-throw line. True, getting fouled is a special skill, nay an art form.

But to me it’s not a talent that warrants MVP consideration. Free-throw shooting doesn’t take incredible ability, although don’t tell that to Howard.

Add in the fact that Harden gets the benefit of the doubt from officials because he initiates so much contact and he’s getting some undeserved trips to the line.

9daec09f685ad62d5e3f7567ed4de3f9Curry, on the other hand, averages 23.6 points per game (about four less than Harden) but only 3.9 of those come from free throws. Keep in mind Curry still doesn’t get star treatment when it comes to earning foul calls.

On top of that, Curry is a human torch. This is where you might say, “Wow that’s dangerous and probably lethal.”

No, you idiot, it’s a figure of speech.

But the guard really is an unbelievable shooter. He can score from just about anywhere…inside the arena. Off the dribble or off the pass, it doesn’t matter.

And don’t forget his beautiful handles. Seriously, if you haven’t seen his dribbling skills, look them up on the YouTube and don’t ever forget them. The brain-dead penguin is excused from this exercise, due to his brain being dead.

If the MVP award was decided simply by highlight reel plays, then Curry would have the title locked up. Just ask Chris Paul’s ankles.

Now, this isn’t to say Harden is not a great scorer in his own right. Nobody is a better one-on-one player than The Bearded One. But Curry is superior in almost every other scoring category besides isolation plays.

Don’t trust me, trust Matt Moore of CBS Sports. He put together a chart of every important offensive statistic, and Curry is better in almost every category, from the traditional (field goal percentage) to the super nerdy (transition points per play).

So now you know I’m not just making things up. Trust is an important value in this industry, at least for some of us.

I understand there is a chance that some of you haven’t been convinced yet. Let me put the final nail in your opposition coffin.

Curry plays for the best team in perhaps the deepest conference in history.

If the season ended today, the Warriors would play the New Orleans Pelicans in the first round of the playoffs. The Pelicans have The Unibrowed One, arguably one of the top-five players currently in the game.

The alternative would be to face the Oklahoma City Thunder and triple-double machine Russell Westbrook.

And yet the Warriors have posted a 38-10 against the West and hold a 10-game lead over the second place team, the Rockets.

Ten games.

Who plays for that team, you ask?

Harden. Good God, have you been reading this at all?

When all is said and done –– I’ve probably said too much. They’re probably coming for me. Or at least the brain-dead penguin judge is.

When all is said and done, Harden will recede behind his beard into second place, just like his team.

And, Chef Curry with the pot, boy.

Sorry. Chef Curry with the MVP…boy.

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