The "Kleenix"

What’s all the hype about?

Hype, a virus that terrorized the American public for years, is now officially being declared an epidemic, according to an announcement by the Centers for Disease Control (CDC).

“Despite months of diligent effort, I am sad to announce that for that the first time this week, America is facing a crisis,” said CDC spokeswoman Wu Geva Dame. “We must act now in the few days that we have media attention.”

A potent virus, Hype causes the victim to ignore information that is relevant and actually matters to their lives. The virus first infected a few producers in CNN sometime back in November 2014. From there, the disease morphed into an epidemic, quickly overrunning MSNBC and Fox, and then the general American public.

AJ__Nd3CThe United States has struggled to contain Hype, and its ability to combine with other diseases, such as Ebola, The Bachelor, and most recently Zayn Malik, has had a devastating impact on the mental health of Americans everywhere, seriously damaging any sense of priorities.

Though known to be associated with symptoms of misplaced concern and being uninformed, the biggest struggle for the CDC is finding people aware of their condition.

“Our main issue with Hype is its ability to produce ‘short-attention-span’, a natural bacteria found in most Americans,” Dame said. “This bacteria prevents the victim from realizing they’re infected or any other important bit of information.”

In its initial research attempts to combat Hype, the CDC have studied a wide array of individuals who garnered unnecessary attention, such as Kayne West, and most infamously, the buttocks of Kim Kardashian.

Carmen Villar, CDC’s chief of staff, noted that the Casey Anthony case was a key point in discovering the Hype virus.

“It was a case that was completely sensationalized and blown out of proportion, thereby being perfect to study the effects of Hype, and how it exactly infects others” she said.

According to Villar, patient zero of the infection has been narrowed to somewhere in the executive offices of CNN. A need for profits and higher ratings spread to the anchors and producers, from which it was then transmitted to millions of Americans around the country, instantly attaching itself to receivers in the ears and eyes. From there, its only a matter of seconds until symptoms start to develop, and the virus takes hold.

However, Villar was also quick to note that there is hope.

“If media corporations can start producing stories that are important and the public listens, we can stop this virus, and even reverse its effects” she said. “We call it ‘news.’”

Dame also expressed optimism for the future.

“We’re not too familiar with this concept of, ‘news,’ but we do believe in its potential in developing a cure, and saving America’s future.”

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