It’s not unique to say the end of the semester makes everybody want to cry. All the time. But what can criers do when they have four roommates who never seem to go anywhere? Or the tears start flowing and getting home somehow means crossing Sheridan Road three times?
Don’t worry, my downtrodden college friends, I lived in a converted triple in Mertz Residence Hall and have five cancer placements in my astrological birth chart so I’m extremely qualified to share with you the five safest places on Loyola’s Lake Shore Campus to sob in peace.
1. The Gentile Arena Bathroom
This bathroom, though located in a central spot on campus, is almost always empty and offers a glorious selection of 12 stalls. Yeah, that’s right — I’m a reporter and I counted. In addition to the various crying booths, as I like to call them, the lights stay on slightly longer than other bathrooms around campus. This detail is important because you’ll at least be able to see while you’re crying in a bathroom that smells like BioSoap.
2. A shuttle window seat at night
There’s mood lighting, it’s quiet, everyone around you is half asleep or wearing headphones. Best of all, it’s easy to imagine your tears flowing right out of your eyes and into the deep, end-of-the-world abyss that is Lake Michigan in the dark. Unfortunately, a key disadvantage of this crying location is that it takes a bit of planning to utilize. The ideal time is right around 9 p.m. so you can ride to Water Tower Campus while the shuttle’s empty, slip into Starbucks for a hot chocolate before it closes, and catch the next bus for the slightly less emotional trip back. If you’re willing to schedule a designated crying hour, this is the perfect place for you.
3. Palm Court, but not really
It seems disrespectful to cry in Mundelein’s Palm Court because it’s the place where all the serious, you-drop-a-pen-and-I-will-throw-a-potted-plant-at-you studiers do their thing, and that isn’t us. However, there’s an exquisite corner nearby that I can only describe as an architectural flaw. It offers plenty of privacy without the bathroom feel and it’s the perfect size to wedge yourself into. Plus, its proximity to such a classic Loyola study space will probably make you feel slightly productive.
4. The Madonna della Strada Chapel
Here’s a place where you can cry and feel kind of holy doing it. It’s so classy that even the most successful people wouldn’t mind telling you they’ve shed some tears here. Crying in Madonna della Strada is something you could put on a job application, which is not at all the vibe you get from telling someone you had a meltdown while tucked into a building defect in Mundelein halfway though your Tier-II Theology class. It goes without saying that Madonna della Strada offers relative isolation and some sick views of stained glass. Just make sure not to make eye contact with any prospective students whose parents made them poke their heads in “just to see it.”
5. The Basement of Dumbach Hall by the vending machine
Although this spot doesn’t have the views of the shuttle or accessibility of the Gentile Arena bathroom, it’s an ideal place to go when you find yourself trapped in a student organization meeting listening to chalk scrape across an ancient chalkboard — triggering all the emotions. The carpet is pretty soft, plus you’re close to the only bathroom in the building so if things get too rough for a casual empty hallway session, you can easily move for some more privacy. I’ll admit this crying location might seem lackluster compared to the other options, but it comes with snacks you can buy with Dining Dollars! Crying into a bag of (essentially free) Cheez-Its has never been so stylish.