Brownie Points

Column: A Stunning Edition of Brownie Points Despite No Sports Being Played

Kyle Brown | The PhoenixHere I am, frozen burrito and PS4 controller in hand, ready to complain about getting robbed in NBA 2K20.

Hello fellow quarantiners, and welcome to a special online edition of “Brownie Points.”

You might be thinking, “Kyle, it feels like every edition is a ‘special edition.’” While you’re not wrong, this week’s is especially special. Why? Because together, we are entering uncharted territory in Brownie Points history.

The concept of Brownie Points is that I award Brownie Points to the teams or players doing exceptional things or take Brownie Points away from those who underperform.

Let’s just rip the Band-Aid off. This week, and I take no joy in announcing this, Brownie Points will be taken away from yours truly. Me. Kyle Brown. I know the shock you all must be feeling right now. But, being the fair and just ruler of Brownie Points that I am, I simply had no other choice.

There has been a night-and-day difference in my productivity since classes moved online and Loyola’s campus shut down. This might sound like I’m lying, so don’t believe me if you don’t want to, but I was truly reaching new levels of production until COVID-19 messed everything up.

I had been running and exercising consistently for a month or two. I was actually keeping up with my classes and turning things in on time, and I was attending basically every Loyola sports game. Fast-forward a month and the running has come to screeching halt, my academics have definitely fallen off and my Phoenix content is limping along without any games being played.

You might be wondering how I fill my time. Well, let me enlighten you. I watched the entire season of “Love is Blind” — Jessica is, always has been and always will be evil. I’ve also started napping every day. Not sure what I do to get so tired, but alas, here we are. Finally, I’ve subjected myself to watching competitive eating and cornhole tournaments on ESPN just to get my sports fix.

Life is truly rough. My time at home has felt like a continuous loop of the Stephen A. Smith “I’m having a bad day” video with Kanye’s “Wolves” playing in the background. 

This all sounds terrible and like I’m the laziest sack of garbage in the world, which isn’t entirely true. I’ve been consistently doing little at-home exercises including push-ups, sit-ups and the like. I’ve also taken a couple online tests and done most — more than half — of my homework assigned by professors. Finally, I’ve still kept up with editing and writing stories, but thinking of sports stories without any actual sports happening is definitely a challenge.

So, with all of this taken into consideration, I’ve decided that I must take a singular Brownie Point away from myself. Nothing drastic since I haven’t been a trainwreck, but hopefully this is a wake-up call. I could be bettering myself by reading a book or learning a new skill instead of playing seemingly endless hours of NBA 2K20 and eating more frozen burritos than I care to admit.

Real quick, I would also like to shoutout Allie Quigley for beating up on old man Chris Paul in ESPN’s HORSE competition. Quigley is a three-time WNBA All-Star for the hometown Chicago Sky and a certified bucket-getter. 

She deserves mention in a Loyola Phoenix column, and I had to do it since one of our other sports editors may or may not have a monetary investment on Quigley winning the entire HORSE competition. So cheers to you Allie, here’s a Brownie Point.

Another Chicago star is in the HORSE competition, as Bulls stud-but-not-All-Star Zach LaVine brutally destroyed Paul Pierce in their opening round face-off. Zach, you can get a point. Pierce will be losing a Brownie Point for that disgraceful performance — which included, but was not limited to, wearing a puffy vest during an athletic competition. Well, there ya have it folks. A perfectly balanced edition of Brownie Points. I’m tempted to give myself the second-ever redemption Brownie Point for being able to find four people worthy of gaining or losing points in the sports world, but I will simply end it here. Stay safe and stay inside. Peace out.

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