Essay: On Self-Love

There’s nothing I find sweeter than someone determinedly walking down the street with a bouquet of fresh flowers. 

I always make a point to stop and appreciate this person, smiling to myself as they hurriedly walk past me to complete the mission at hand. I like to imagine the recipient’s joy and surprise, a sweetly shared smile followed by a giddy embrace. In my mind, these strangers slow dance in their living room, twirling together contentedly around the treasured bouquet. 

Despite my happiness at imagining other people’s romantic joys, I’d be lying if I said seeing someone else with a bouquet didn’t fill me with a pinch of longing — especially on Valentine’s Day. 

Yet, as a hopeless romantic, I refuse to wallow in my flowerless world this Valentine’s Day. Instead, I’m choosing to turn my potential longing into acts of self-love. 

Valentine’s day brings with it a loneliness epidemic, as 82% of American adults don’t want to spend Valentine’s Day by themselves and 23% have negative feelings about the holiday, according to a survey done by AARP. The survey also found only 5% of adults use the holiday to treat themselves. 

Self-love is a concept that has gained a considerable amount of attention, promoting ideals of compassion and acceptance in order to combat harsh self-criticism and perfectionism, according to an article from Psychology Today. 

Although self-love may seem simple in theory, I’ve found it’s far more difficult in practice. There’s often a disconnect between talking about loving yourself and acting on it. 

This distinction is more apparent than ever when I see someone walking with a bouquet of flowers, box of chocolates or other Valentine’s Day accouterments. Despite my belief in self-love, the ever-creeping sense of loneliness which permeates this time of year still infiltrates my self-assured exterior. 

This difficulty is part of why it’s so important to make self-love intentional. Thinking of self-love as something passive nullifies its import and its very existence — if it was something that occurred naturally, it wouldn’t be a struggle for so many. It wouldn’t be so difficult to cultivate. 

This Valentine’s Day I’m choosing to treat my relationship with myself as I would any relationship with someone else — I’m going to actively prioritize it. I want to be there for myself through thick and thin, in sickness and in health. Until death do me and I part. 

This may seem extravagant or even somewhat narcissistic, but this kind of public, emphatic display of love is expected — and sometimes even demanded — on Valentine’s Day. If we can perform grandiose gestures to show others we love them, why can’t we do them for ourselves?

When I wake up on Valentine’s Day, I’m going to look in the mirror and smile. I’ll say good morning to my roommates, wish them a happy holiday and remind them how loved they are. 

Then, I’m going to walk to the nearest drug store and buy myself a bouquet. I’m going to carry it with me back to my apartment and perch it in my window so it’s framed by all of the lives of other self-lovers outside. 

Maybe someone will see it through the window and feel inspired. Maybe they’ll see something beautiful, even if it wasn’t for them, and be reminded that they are beautiful too. 

Despite its romantic connotations, the holiday is really about all forms of love. So don’t be afraid to celebrate all kinds of love this Valentine’s Day. Lean into the attention and determination loving often demands. 

And in the midst of loving others, take a moment to turn your intentions inward, to remind yourself that you are loved unequivocally by someone as thoughtful as you. 

Feature image by Megan Dunn / The Phoenix