SATIRE: An Open Letter from Your Shower Shoes

This is an open letter from the shower shoes of the Loyola community and those who use us. 

As summer turns to fall, I want to direct your attention to our worsening labor conditions. Though the residents will remain anonymous, we here at the Misplaced Rights of Shoes Association are hearing reports of shower shoes in De Nobili Hall being left in the shower until next usage and sandals in Mertz Hall tied to a 14th story window to dry. Let’s not forget about the rubber flip-flops in Francis Hall forced to listen to two roommates discuss the merits of their post-postmodernist argument that Beowulf and Grendel are not primordial rivals but actually lovers. 

Though our lifespans tend to be only two years, this is no way to live out our short, yet impactful lives. We were brought into this world to protect human feet from the filthy shower tiles of community bathrooms. Though it’s humble and dirty work, we take pride in our necessary role in protecting student lives.

Instead of sitting idly by in a moist corner under a bunk bed, or nestled in a shower caddy between the three-in-one body shampoo and Axe body spray — I’m calling on all shower shoes to go on strike until our demands are met. 

Based off precedent, MRSA has determined three basic needs which must be met before any further work can be provided to any first-year and second-year students at Loyola

Our first demand is we must have a designated, pristine, accessible and ethically-sourced  drying area after you use us. 

Your towel gets a drying rack but we don’t? Unless, that is, you don’t hang up your towel, which you should probably start doing. 

Our second demand is the shower area must be cleared of any bodily fluids. You think Old Style-infused throw up with baby carrots is fun to look at? Imagine stepping in it. In the past year, MRSA has recorded over a dozen of these workplace incidents. Per our last negotiation, these throw-up episodes are classified as textbook unsafe working conditions

Our last demand is simple, and in many ways, the easiest to obtain. We are asking for a group membership to Equinox Gym. Despite what you might think, we are a very social bunch and Equinox has great facilities for shower shoes. If this isn’t a possibility, maybe consider getting one account. We can just pass around the membership card to each other — all of us are the same to you humans anyway. 

Only after all three of these demands are met will we continue to provide our services. We’re perfectly complacent in waiting for you to come to your senses. For every day you delay, not only does MRSA continue to build coalitions, but also your feet deteriorate from the simple touch of the shower tile. In the meantime, you should ask yourself a question — am I a rational human or an agitating beast?