Satire: Who Needs a Major? Take More Core!

As students begin to think about class registration for next semester, it’s normal to consult one’s academic plan, checking off the necessary boxes to graduate with a degree in approximately four years. 

Unfortunately for many, sticking to this four-year plan often proves more difficult than expected. Despite many of Loyola’s major programs demanding students take hyper-specific classes or follow a specific course path, the university often fails to schedule sections that fit these complex requirements. 

For those in this position, don’t fret! The university has finally proposed a solution — instead of simply offering the major-specific classes they require students to take, they’re expanding the university core to even better reflect student interests. 

These new classes are being added in a wide range of schools across the university, encouraging students to explore beyond their so-called interests and embrace a well-rounded, Jesuit education. Why finish a major when you can engage with the most important interdisciplinary topics in contemporary public consciousness?

For students looking to take a communications class, new courses such as “How to Write the Perfect Instagram Caption,” will help prepare students for a side hustle as an online influencer. The school will also be offering a class called “Hinge 101,” in which students will curate the perfect online dating profile. 

The final exam will be to go on one real-life date by the end of the semester — a deceptively difficult task, given how few Hinge conversations become successful dates.

The College of Arts and Sciences will also be offering a slew of new seminars to make up for the lack of major-specific classes being offered across all departments. Among these are “Study Abroad Seminar” — in which students who studied abroad last year can discuss their one-of-a-kind travels at length — and “YAP 300: Introduction to Yap,” the prerequisite for which is any humanities class.  

The School of Environmental Sustainability will also be offering a new seminar class called “Surviving the Apocalypse: Coping with Climate Change,” which will revamp its curriculum weekly to help students survive different potential climate-related disasters, covering everything from the best hurricane shelters to how to stay hydrated one all water is gone.

Women and Gender Studies will be working with the Department of Fine and Performing Arts for the course, “brat and it’s the same but it’s a class so it’s not,” a deep dive into the Troye Sivan and Charli xcx phenomenon which will culminate in a student-led recreation of the Sweat Tour in Mundelein’s Newhart Family Theater. 

Although students may be wondering how these classes will help them finish a degree and get a job post-graduation, I understand and empathize with your concerns. 

But in the meantime, sit back, relax and don’t be concerned about your crumbling four-year plan or how there’s never enough sections of the required class you need. Maybe if Loyola offers enough core classes for you to take, you can just stay a student forever.