Bookmarked: Tales From the Naughty List in David Sedaris’ ‘Holidays on Ice’

From working as a Macy’s Christmas elf to rescuing “Dinah, the Christmas Whore,” David Sedaris’ anthology “Holidays on Ice” is rife with clever absurdity — with varying success.

Published in 1997, “Holidays on Ice” is a collection of six Christmas-themed stories, including sarcastic personal essays and satirical gags. 

Previously published in Sedaris’ first book “Barrel Fever,” “SantaLand Diaries” is a crassly witty chronicle of Sedaris’ past Yuletide antics.

In the essay, Sedaris wrote about his time working as Crumpet the Elf at a Macy’s department store in New York City. 

With coworkers ranging from the flirty Snowball the Elf to the overly-serious Santa Santa, Sedaris’ essay is rich with the idiocy of humanity. 

After answering a customer’s question with blunt sarcasm, the customer threatens to have him fired. Sedaris is less than impressed by the warning.

“I had two people say that to me today, ‘I’m going to have you fired,’” Sedaris wrote. “Go ahead, be my guest. I’m wearing a green velvet costume; it doesn’t get any worse than this.”

In the holiday spirit of giving, Sedaris escalates his next paragraph with volatility. 

“‘I’m going to have you fired!’ and I wanted to lean over and say, ‘I’m going to have you killed,’” Sedaris wrote.

Also published in “Barrel Fever,” the anthology’s second anecdote “Season’s Greetings to Our Friends and Family!!!” is a Christmas newsletter penned by the fictional Mrs. Dunbar as holiday stress weighs her down.

Using an overuse of exclamation marks throughout the essay, Mrs. Dunbar struggles with familial baggage. She’s confronted with a new Vietnamese stepdaughter, Khe Sahn, and with the news of her drug-addicted daughter’s pregnancy.

The newsletter criticizes white American suburbia but, in doing so, depends too heavily on a racist caricature of Khe Sahn, ultimately offering a hollow social satire.

The third essay, “Dinah, the Christmas Whore,” returns to personal narrative. Published in Sedaris’ 1997 book “Naked,” the story recounts Sedaris and his sister Lisa rescuing Lisa’s sex worker friend Dinah from domestic abuse four days before Christmas.

The siblings return home with Dinah, as Sedaris spins the story in an unexpectedly heartwarming direction, recalling the comfort and cheer of the evening.

But, as is Sedaris’ schtick, the uplifting tale folds into an off-beat punch.

“Were I to receive a riding vacuum cleaner or even a wizened proboscis monkey, it wouldn’t please me half as much as knowing we were the only family in the neighborhood with a prostitute in our kitchen,” Sedaris wrote.

Fourth entry “Front Row Center with Thaddeus Bristol” is composed of three ruthless reviews of holiday productions put on by fictional elementary and middle schools.

The reviews are Scrooge-like in their palpable disgust of the children’s performances — scrutinizing acting, costumes, choreography and everything in between.

“I was gagging from the smell of spray-painted sneakers and if I see one more top hat made from an oatmeal canister, I swear I’m going to pull out a gun,” Sedaris wrote.

The fifth essay, “Based Upon a True Story,” is a sermon given by the fictional Jim Timothy to kick off a Christmas church service. Timothy is an arrogant television executive producer who repeatedly brags of his superiority over the “hillbillies” who make up the congregation.

Wanting to produce a feel-good holiday mini-series, Timothy bribes parishioners for information on a woman who miraculously performed an at-home kidney transplant for her son the previous Christmas. 

Another social satire, the essay finds more success in its delivery than “Season’s Greetings to Our Friends and Family!!!” by commenting on American income inequality and the audacious obscenity of Hollywood.

“Christmas Means Giving” is the collection’s final essay, narrating the story of two neighboring families who attempt to outdo each other’s holiday generosity.

The piece excels at ridiculous, simple humor as the two families out-compete one another in wildly creative ways — to the point of donating a leg to be hand-fed to a litter of starving Border Collies for the thinly-veiled sake of charity.

Throughout the 1997 anthology, Sedaris provides off-color twists on holiday tales, earning himself a place on the naughty list with his racy humor and sharp wit.

“Holidays on Ice” is available in bookstores.