Satire: Mall Elf Kidnapped and Forced Into Labor Camp 

Between the holiday crowds and the agitated children forced to wear their Sunday best, the Christmas displays in shopping centers are a begrudging staple of the holiday experience. For many, waiting to sit in Santa’s lap isn’t always jolly. 

That’s where my job came in. 

As seasonal manager of Santa’s workshop, I took pride in my role as Santa’s helper — and chief elf at the Muhlenberg, OH Macy’s shopping center. When there was a crying baby, I offered a candy cane. When Santa needed some cocoa, I offered a cigarette. 

I was perfect for the job, and happy to play a small part in spreading Christmas cheer. When I wore the elf costume, I was no longer a mere customer service representative, I was a banister holder for joy. People revered me in my role as a conduit for Santa Claus. I yearn for these days of yore.  

But, ever since the ornament incident, my life has totally changed. 

All I remember is a bag going over my head, and the next thing I knew I was in the biting cold of the North Pole. 

I know not how I got here, but my role is clear — to be a real elf, in abiding servitude for ol’ St. Nick — making three gumdrops an hour until the new year. 

The most noticeable part of this isolated setting is the quiet. Much of the time, the only sound for miles is the whispers of the other elves. “Deliver us,” they say over the plains of frozen tundra. “Santa, why have you forsaken me?” echoes through the valley. This is nothing like Santa’s workshop in Ohio.

It didn’t take long for me to realize the reason I was brought to the North Pole. Santa’s toy shops are running low on short people. Despite my height — a towering 5’11 — my time as a mall elf put me on Santa’s third kind of list. 

A list of short people who would make good elves. 

Now, I’m paying for the ornament incident in the same way that short people pay for all crimes — working for Santa. 

Short icons from across the globe succumb to the North Pole punishment for poor career decisions. Ever wondered where Danny DeVito goes in the winter? He was sentenced to 20 winters in the North Pole after starring in “Deck the Halls.” What about Trisha Paytas? Well, she actually wasn’t sentenced at all, she just showed up here one day.

Speaking of magically appearing, Daniel Radcliffe can’t pick out a christmas tree, because he’s still serving his five-year sentence for being in the movie “Now You See Me 2.” 

Despite the societal grievances we are paying for, it’s clear short kings and queens make up the backbone of the Christmas industry. 

Thanks to my experience as a mall elf, I get by better than most. My nimble fingers allow for efficient Apple microchip implementation and quick Nike shoelace threading. But not everyone is as fortunate as me. Molly McMuffins, the elf name for Simone Biles, bends over backwards to conduct safety tests for swing sets, putting her gymnastics career at risk. 

Luckily my sentence ends once Christmas is over. Santa had mercy on me once he saw my height. But, I’ve realized short people, whether voluntarily or not, are the coal engine that sustains Christmas spirit. This experience has opened my eyes and I encourage every reader to check in on their short friends, you never know how they spent their Christmas season.