Satire: Students Stage Cold War

On the morning of Dec. 3, the East Quad became the battleground for a war fought with unexpected ammunition — snowballs.

Shivering in the Chicago cold, students hid behind mounds of ice and packed snow into bullet-sized balls.

The students said they were protesting the decision of their professor, Evan Ezer-Skruege, not to cancel class despite subzero temperatures and heavy flurries.

Ezer-Skruege teaches GLST 342: Global Snow Studies Through the Postmodern Lens. The class, which meets Tuesday, Wednesday and Sunday at 4:30 a.m., takes place in Dumbach Hall — the doors of which were frozen over Wednesday morning and blocked off by heaps of what the Facilities Department called “unshovelable” snow.

First-year ice sculpture major Poe LeBerr said he initiated the fight when he saw Ezer-Skruege walking to Dumbach that morning.

“I just grabbed a chunk of snow and lobbed it at him,” LeBerr said. “That got people pretty riled up and I guess it went from there.”

LeBerr said he was inspired by a yukigassen tournament in his hometown of Anchorage, AK. Yukigassen is a Japanese snowball competition which literally translates to “snow battle,” according to the BBC.

Classmates soon joined in and formed an assembly line — the first group gathered snow, the second packed it into snowballs and the third threw them. Sleigh management major Rue Dolff said it was the only time in his life he’d contributed to a group project.

Harold Angel, a teaching assistant for Ezer-Skruege, defended the professor by building a makeshift fort out of ungraded papers. Angel said he was frustrated by Loyola’s lack of guidance on weather-related disturbances.

“The good news is, if I get bruised, I think I can file a complaint with OSHA,” Angel said.

LeBerr was a triple threat on the field, bobbing, weaving and pitching like a veteran baller. He pummeled Angel’s left shoulder three times, leaving the TA unsure of how to ice his injury without reminding himself of the sharp sting of a cold snowball.

A small crowd of students huddled on the sidelines of the East Quad where they watched the fight unfold. Candi Kain, a third-year junk food science major, said she shared popcorn with friends until a snowball landed in the bag.

“I mean, right in my Skinny Pop?” Kain said. “That stuff is expensive.”

Men’s basketball head coach Drew Valentine joined the crowd and shouted game plan suggestions, but nobody involved could figure out which side he was on.

The fight concluded with a stand-off between LeBerr and Ezer-Skruege. Ezer-Skruege promised to cancel class if the students spared his horse-drawn carriage, which he said was his only mode of transportation between campuses.

Silvia Bells, a peace-on-Earth studies major, said she was grateful no one was hurt — but was still disappointed at the idea of violence on campus.

“A fight like this shows us that we still have a lot of work to do in terms of building trust and community,” Bells said.

Bells was later seen reportedly throwing a snowball which shattered a fourth-floor window of the Alfie Norville Practice Facility. Bells denied multiple requests for further comment.

Campus Security Officer Chris Muss said no arrests were made because he couldn’t figure out how to file a report about snowball fights. Muss said he also had trouble connecting to LUC Wi-Fi, which slowed his response to the situation.

Ezer-Skruege said he wouldn’t press charges or disciplinary action against the students involved. Unconfirmed reports allege his change of heart came after he hit his head on a tree branch and, being temporarily knocked out, he was reportedly visited by three ghosts who told him to chill out.