Satire:  All the Cool Kids Are Sports Betting

I was once a lost and confused first-year. None of my childhood interests appealed to me anymore, and I had no notion of what I wanted to do for a career, let alone a life. Darkness shrouded me like a shroud of darkness. 

That is, until a new light entered my life — sports betting.

In the two years since I discovered gambling, friends, family and even neighbors have noticed several major improvements in my life. I now walk with my head up and shoulders back, my bank account is no longer burdened with money and I don’t have to fret over where to go out to eat at night — sleep has become my midnight snack.

Some opponents of sports betting declare gambling to be exploitative toward those it draws in — especially young men — by giving them false hope. They argue most gamblers never make a cent of profit and waste all their energy on meaningless games. 

While these arguments raise solid points — and could even be described as objectively true — they fail to account for the thrill a gambler feels before realizing their bet has been lost. The experience is like nirvana, and it’s renewed with every bet. 

But the life of a chronic sports better isn’t for the faint of heart. Gamblers must be prepared to lose thousands of dollars each day. We bear the weight of chance, knowing our predictions can fall through at any moment. And we still choose to carry on betting it all.

In sports betting, gamblers saw an entertaining activity that’s already been commercialized and came up with an innovative way to waste more time while adding absolutely nothing to the product.

When you think about it, gamblers are risk-takers, fortune tellers, trailblazers and pioneers of watching sports.

Just last week I used my Shih Tzu-Chihuahua mix as collateral on a loan I used to make a Sri Lankan badminton parlay. I love my dog dearly, but scheming loan sharks have forced me to realize I love my kneecaps even more.

The threat of retribution is frightening, but as a glass-half-full kind of person, being constantly on the run from my creditors has turned out to be good for my cardio — and it’s allowed me to see so many great casinos.

Another supposed downside to sports betting is the way it kills both fandom and genuine love for the game. 

While I cried more when France lost the 2022 World Cup than I ever did as a chronically disappointed Chicago sports fan, I was only more upset at France losing because I also happened to lose my house from their defeat.

Some may ask —  when does a gambler plan to quit? When is enough enough? 

The answer is the same as any other profession. If I gamble every day — as planned — I should be able to retire at 67 when Social Security becomes my first ever reliable source of income.

I already have the benefits of working remotely with flexible hours. Of course, as a true hustler, I typically make around 50 bets a day. I’m not going to go into the logistics behind my earnings because it’s high-level pre-algebra, which most readers wouldn’t comprehend, but just know I make somewhere in the three figures each quarter.

Don’t be mistaken, I wouldn’t devote countless hours to this craft if it didn’t also bring me joy.

Sports betting is a job, lifestyle and ethos all at once. It’s taken over my life and done things to me I never would’ve thought possible — and I bet the same could be true for you too.