Satire: Happy 140th Birthday, Campion Hall!

It’s 2095, and Loyola’s oldest dorm, Campion Hall, celebrated its 140th birthday this past week — a milestone few expected it to reach.

The event was held in the dorm’s basement and featured a commemorative cake lit with 140 candles. Attendees included campus celebrities such as LU Wolf, university President Mark ‘Junior Junior’ Cher Reed III and Sister Jean Dolores Schmidt, BVM, still serving as men’s basketball chaplain at the age of 175. The Class of 2099 had mixed reactions about the state of the dorms.

“It’s got plenty of character and a pungent smell throughout the second floor,” one first-year said.

Campion Hall was built in 1955 and was the university’s first dormitory, according to Loyola’s website. Initially named Loyola University Residence for Men, the hall was renamed to honor St. Edmund Campion. 

The building once served as the primary place of housing for the university’s Interdisciplinary Honors Program and the ROTC program, as its design was notably similar to military barracks — a quality that has helped it hang on for well over a century.

By the mid-1990s the building began to show its age. During these years, war commenced between the hall’s mold and rat populations — which never officially ended, eventually settling into a stalemate.

During the late 2070s, the dorm was briefly occupied by Northwestern University forces and acted as an infirmary for student combatants injured in the Loyola-Northwestern Turf War that occurred throughout North Shore communities.

Throughout Campion’s history, there have been rumors of impending demolition, most notably around the release of the 2024 campus plan. However, it wasn’t until 2094 that actual plans for demolition were finalized.

“The building is a testament to its resilience and to the power of limited maintenance costs,” Reed III said. “Its survival is nothing short of miraculous.”

In a surprising turn of events, the president announced these demolition plans were being postponed.

“The endowment hungers for more, so we’ve decided to hold off on construction plans,” he said. “Campion is good for another year.”

The dormitory had been slated for demolition at the end of the 2095 semester, to be replaced with a state-of-the-art dormitory named “Rogers Park Hall” in honor of the neighborhood consumed by The Lake Shore Campus in the 2060s.

In response to the president’s announcement, the building emitted a loud groan that echoed throughout the structure. Witnesses described the sound as a distinct “NO!!!,” though Residence Life officials refuted these claims.

After this, students and guests began to sing “Happy Birthday,” which caused the building to shake and pipes to burst, after which a deep rumble reverberated through the building. Staff promptly evacuated attendees and watched as the roof collapsed, taking the exterior walls with it and shooting up a massive cloud of dust.

Onlookers watched the implosion with awe. One former resident recalled the scene’s drama, seemingly impressed by the building’s persevering flare. 

“It was really loud, then instantly quiet,” he said. “Then, out of nowhere, a single brick came flying out of the destruction and landed right at my feet. Very cinematic.”

University officials assured students temporary housing would be provided within the coming weeks. They’ve also launched an investigation into the cause of the destruction, seeking a student to charge for the damages. 

In the meantime, Reed III announced construction plans for Rogers Park Hall would carry on despite the building’s sudden collapse.

The new dormitory will pay homage to its predecessor by featuring mold-infested prison bathrooms and a heating system possessed by a vengeful spirit.

“Students don’t want somewhere nice, they want a rite of passage,” the university’s in-house sociologist said. “Pipes making noises at random intervals is an important part of the dorm experience.”

The Monday after the implosion, students organized a heartfelt funeral for the fallen dormitory. Attendees gathered at ground zero, placing candles and flowers as offerings. As the ceremonies concluded, a gust of wind carried the Campion Hall dust into the air — and into everyone’s lungs.

The university said students will be moved back into the Campion rubble as early as next week.