Satire: A Glorious, Gluten-Free Life at Loyola

Being gluten-free is incredibly easy. There are just so many options — especially at Loyola.

There are endless things for me to eat in each and every dining hall — and sometimes I just don’t know what to choose. 

Simpson Dining Hall offers countless choices for me to eat. For breakfast Monday I eat eggs, potatoes and sausage. Then Tuesday, I eat eggs, potatoes and sausage. Then the same for Wednesday — which is so exciting. 

Once, I discovered something new — crumbly gluten-free pancakes. I drenched them in maple syrup, and they instantly fell apart when I tried to dig into them. I was over the moon. 

Sometimes I look over at my friends slathering their perfectly toasted and flavored bagels with cream cheese and almost throw up. The next day, they partake in fluffy and chocolatey pancakes, and I want to leave. Why would I ever want to start my day with a different type of food? 

When I get lunch and dinner at Simpson, I’m greeted by either tasteless chicken or a cold salad. And french fries, to be sure — as I get every dinner. My friends at Simspon can indulge in mac and cheese or ravioli, but I wouldn’t even get that if I wanted to — I’m too thrilled with my salad. 

When I eat at de Nobili Dining Hall, I get the usual taco salad, which is chips with most of the offered toppings. I could partake in yet another salad, but I figure I should spice things up every once in a while. 

I don’t even look at the cheesy pizza just begging to be eaten, lo mein noodles covered in savory sauce or all the types of sugary cereal. How could I? I simply love eating the exact same taco every day. It never gets old. 

However, last week I discovered I could have a sandwich at de Nobili with gluten-free bread. Part of me wished this had been advertised sooner, and more obviously. But on second thought, I realized Loyola was trying to make finding gluten-free options its own special scavenger hunt. How exciting. 

Eating breakfast at Damen Dining Hall is by far the best thing. In addition to the egg and potatoes experience offered by Simpson, Damen’s gluten-free options include the university’s crown jewel — a gluten-free Udi’s bagel. 

Damen’s gluten-free bagels are the high point of eating gluten-free at Loyola. I usually let my bagel, as thick as my head, go through the toaster at least twice, because the charred flavor is better than actually tasting it even the slightest bit plain. 

When gluten-free pancakes are advertised on the screen but they don’t have them when I ask for them, that just makes my day. When I first see them on the screen, my excitement is through the roof. But now I’m so used to disappointment, I don’t mind. I love to hear their responses. 

It’s easy to ignore the frosted donut holes, decadent brownies or chocolatey muffins my friends fill their plates with and squeal over in delight. Why would I ever want such a thing? I have another Udi’s blueberry muffin to keep me company. 

I could most likely make these muffins on my own at this point just off taste, which is so wonderful I get a chance to know something so well. 

When I hear my friends complain about food options at Loyola, I’m completely sympathetic. I mean, it must be so hard to meander through a dining hall knowing you could eat absolutely anything on the menu. Especially when I see them taking the dry, tasteless, gluten-free Udi’s muffins that are already running low. Meanwhile, I’m so grateful to eat the exact same three foods every day.