Satire: I Have a Job. Why don’t you?

Most seniors who are graduating in the spring dread one question above all others.

“So. Any plans for after college?” 

Many students complain about this common inquiry, as if they haven’t had four years to formulate an answer. What these students really lack is vision and initiative. 

Take it from me. When parents or friends ask me what my next steps are, I revel in the question.

The reason I’m not a computer science major is because I predicted the artificial intelligence revolution was coming years ago. I’m not in health services either because I knew there’d be cuts to government programs. I’m not a history major because I’m so focused on the future — obviously. And I’m not in secondary education because you can’t peak in high school twice. 

So where does that leave me? If you’re so interested, I’m obviously majoring in optimizing morning routines with a minor in email and memo writing. I can differentiate between fads, trends and movements. I can make slide decks like it’s nobody’s business. I can utilize cross-functional collaboration and leverage strategic storytelling. 

Most importantly, I can also see why you don’t have a job — the job market’s rough when you have to compete with people like me. 

I haven’t signed any contracts yet, but that’s because I have so many offers. Companies are flooding my LinkedIn and Handshake inboxes like there’s no tomorrow. Clearly, my reputation precedes me. 

“Hey, do you want to be a part of an exciting team that works to optimize SEO-driven content and shape evolving consumer behaviors that redefine consumer touchpoints?” they say to me. 

I usually respond with faux tentativeness, even though my adrenaline is pumping. Then, by simply requesting more information, I’m in the driver’s seat.

By this point, they’re usually so impressed by my professionalism they offer me a job. Though these roles are almost always fully remote and with a company based in Shanghai, they provide excellent opportunities for me to take advantage of career development. 

To anyone out there nervous about what the future holds or anxious about unemployment, I urge you to look inwards. Find out what makes you tick. Is it the desire to raise a family? Do you want to make a difference in the world and don’t know where to start? 

Now throw that all away. Be like me. 

Neil Diamond’s classic 1978 song “Forever in Blue Jeans” captures my philosophy perfectly. 

“Money talks / But it don’t sing and dance and it don’t walk,” Diamond sings.

I love this song because it reminds me to let money do the talking — though in all honesty I’ve never actually listened to the rest of the song, since its message is right at the beginning. Why would a guy like me waste time enjoying music when I could be making money?

So, dear readers, we know money talks. The key to finding a job isn’t what you know or what you want your life to be, but whether or not you’re ready to listen to it. Next time you’re asked for your plans after college, just remember the potency of nostalgia. College is about being broke and having fun. But real fun comes from looking back on the good ol’ days with a wad in your pocket.