Satire: RFK Jr. — Part-Worm, Part-Myth, Full Legend

Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. — the anti-vaxxer, roadkill reaper, landlord of parasites and genius. Few humans in our time have been as misunderstood as RFK Jr. 

Each seemingly bizarre action from the esteemed Kennedy is a calculated political, economic and environmental maneuver. He isn’t just a bewildering fool to be laughed at, as many may think. No, he’s a scheming adviser who’s on the precipice of revealing his true self after years of meticulous planning.

Aside from the power of his surname, Kennedy rose to national fame through his unorthodox beliefs as a Democratic presidential candidate, like viewing autism as an effect of vaccines. 

But the nephew of John F. Kennedy is unorthodox in other ways as well. He’s an underground environmental messiah — a famous and well-respected preacher among rodents and birds.

Kennedy told reporters he stocked a 21-cubic-foot fridge with roadkill, supposedly to feed his ravens. Some may see this practice as strange at best — and grotesque at worst — but very few realize the hidden motivation. 

Kennedy doesn’t closely adhere to the concept of currency. As an environmentalist, he detests wasting paper and relishes patrolling the highway for roadkill. Kennedy is a natural scavenger and barters his leftover animal carcasses for tobacco dip in bulk.

To further thank Mother Nature for her gifts, Kennedy allowed a worm to reside in his brain. As they say, one man’s trash is another worm’s treasure.

The clearly symbiotic relationship between the worm and Kennedy was noble. He sacrificed the limited space in his head to give food and shelter to a fellow invertebrate. 

In body and in mind, Kennedy embodies the mantra “Reduce, Reuse, Recycle.” Kennedy reduced his brain matter via worm, reused the bodies of runover animals and recycled dozens of studies proving vaccines have no correlation with autism.

Like St. Francis of Assisi and Snow White, Kennedy must have the power to speak to animals. People only gasp at the idea of a worm eating his brain because they can’t grasp the thought of a politician being in touch with nature.

Some Americans may refute the idea Kennedy cares about the environment because of his new association with the Republican Party, but a former environmental lawyer would never betray his previous calling — unless he gained a lot of wealth and fame and was appointed to an important position in the president’s cabinet.

Being a politician and true advocate for the environment aren’t mutually exclusive — Kennedy is skilled at both. He gamed the political system. Following the tried-and-true method of acquiring political power, Kennedy ran for the highest office in 2024 and annoyed both parties just enough to receive the role of Secretary of Health and Human Services from President Donald Trump after dropping out of the race.

Kennedy understands being a pain in everyone’s neck can be profitable. Yet, despite his recent political prowess, he’s never taken his eyes off his greatest goal — set years before the 2024 election.

I hate to reveal Kennedy’s master strategy, especially since he’s so close to reaching his goal, but because this is the latter half of a Loyola Phoenix piece, the truth shall now be revealed to its baker’s dozen readers.

Kennedy is a double agent actively conspiring with Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats. 

Kennedy is sowing disunity among the Republicans. He even got 40-year-old Republican Senator Mitch McConell to vote against his confirmation to Trump’s cabinet. But his largest scheme isn’t one of division among Republicans — it’s subtraction.

Many people believe Kennedy has been anti-vaccine for years simply because he has a few screws loose, but they fail to realize the larger demographic consequence of his actions.

A follower of Thomas Malthus, Kennedy believes in reducing the U.S.’ population to solve the climate crisis. Fewer people means fewer carbon emissions — less Whopper Jr. containers, wavy inflatable guys and Sea World merchandise in the landfill. 

Where Kennedy has picked up roadkill, he’s left a trail of breadcrumbs. All signs lead toward his vision of a simpler life. Without the screens, vaccines and landscapes of wretched cities, humans can return to a nomadic life.

Kennedy, through smoke screens and subtle hints, is leading us to a new, less populated world.