Satire: Why Watch Horror When You Can Live it?

From “The Shining” to “The Substance,” horror movies have drawn audiences into the theater and bled their wallets dry. But now with streaming services dominating the film market, not even shock-value thrills can revive struggling theaters. 

To combat the economic loss, select theaters are now stocking new limited-edition collectables based on your favorite movies! Collectables, fun prizes and a few food and drink options are now available to kick off the seasonal fun.

In the midst of the Halloween season, there’s no better time to get your chills both in and out of the theater. So why not feel some extra shivers with “Jack’s Frostbite” a “The Shining” inspired mocktail created with chunks of dried ice, Colorado spring water and extra strength listerine to perfect that spine-tingling rush. 

Feeling ravenous? Why not try the “Bones and All” bucket deal, an all-you-can-eat refillable mystery meat container just begging to just be loved — and eaten! If this isn’t satisfactory perhaps try the “Pig’s-Prom Stew,” an aromatic crimson “Carrie”-inspired bowl that will power up your day like witchcraft.

But food and drink isn’t where the fun ends. Strap in for some exclusive, heart-racing products and collectables perfect for any horror-loving theater goer.

Any movie-going experience is incomplete without a monstrous oily mound of buttered popcorn — and what better vessel could there be than a “Terrifer” popcorn bucket. Shaped like Art the Clown’s head stretched around an inner lining of teeth, gouging into unwelcome hands trying to steal a kernel.

As the season grows colder, bundle up with a range of themed apparel such as a “Silence of the Lambs” onesie based on Jonathan Demme’s fashionable skin-wearing antagonist. The garment is heavy, leatherlike and now stitched up in an inclusive series of flesh tones for any consumer’s pleasure. 

For the gentle-hearted consumer, a series of “Black Swan” x “Suspira” dance and active apparel will be offered along with access to the theater snacks’ nutritional and dietary information. 

Behind the counter of select theaters, customers over 65 qualify for an elders’ discount on microdoses of “The Substance,” an FDA-certified creation much like the product in the movie, complete with before-and-after guarantee. Not all insurance plans apply, contact your local theater for more information.

For the kiddos, theaters are offering “IT” themed paper boat creation kits, perfect for any rainy day. Daycare services will be available at some theaters so the fun of the movies can be enjoyed with kids out of sight and out of mind, literally. Select showings include a buy-one-get-one lunch deal for parents and Pennywise alike.

With any purchase of merchandise, customers are entered into the sweepstakes of a lifetime, a “Midsommar” themed getaway to Hälsingland, Sweden where the sun never sets on you and your lucky loved one while visiting the scarily-scenic compound this summer. 

New promotions don’t stop with Halloween, be on the lookout for upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas items inspired by “The Front Room” and “Krampus.” 

Hopefully, the improvements made to the movie theater’s marketability will tantalize consumers to come to their local theater and enjoy the magic of the movies traditionally — with a new lifelike twist.