Chop Chop, Chicago: Walk Faster Midwest

From tourists hogging the whole sidewalk to Midwesterners strolling at a turtle’s tempo, I’m tired of people who walk slow.

It’s a common culture shock for East Coast city slickers like myself — Chicagoans, and Midwesterners in general, prefer a leisurely stride to a hurried trot.

But Chicago isn’t like the rest of the Midwest. It’s a Democratic stronghold in a sea of red states. It’s a post-industrial economic powerhouse surrounded by corn fields. It’s a big city with big needs.

So why doesn’t it walk like one?

Even my mother, an Indiana-born woman who’s so short she resigns herself to the petite section of every store, has wholeheartedly — or, rather, whole-leggedly — embraced the prompt pace of New York. She has people to see and places to be. She doesn’t have the time, nor the patience to deal with slow walkers.

Walking as slow as a 70-year-old snail makes everyone suffer. These culprits make you late to class, late to work and late to the dining hall line. And to kick you while you’re down, this ambulatory annoyance is more than just a pet peeve — it’s also a threat to your health.

Studies from the American Medical Association, Experimental Gerontology and the British Journal of Sports Medicine have all raced to the same conclusion — walking faster is better for you. The higher your speed, the lower your risk of dementia, stiffness and type 2 diabetes.

But beyond the health factor, walking faster is just plain fun. If running a marathon is too intimidating, try your hand — or foot — at racewalking, an Olympic sport which requires one foot on the ground at all times. Breaking into a near sprint can make you feel like a scatterbrained businessman during lunch rush, or an over-caffeinated reporter on a tight deadline.

To be clear, I don’t think everyone everywhere should adopt the must-go-fast mentality. Time and speed are social constructs which vary wildly between cultures and locations, according to The New York Times. I’m an anthropology minor — cultural relativity is the “C” in our ABCs.

Chicago, though, is a city more akin to New York and Boston than a small town in Iowa. That’s all fine and dandy — but if it wants to talk the talk, it better walk the walk.