Satire: Asking Ashlar to Tail-All

Whether it be Lu Wolf or Sister Jean, the icons of Loyola rarely interact with students casually. The Rambler mascot keeps his identity hidden, and the celebrity “basketball nun” remains largely sequestered via entourage.

Despite other icons’ inaccessibility, The Phoenix spoke to one famed Rambler who remains closer than an arms-length away — Ashlar, the illustrious therapy dog. Below is a transcribed Q&A.

The Phoenix: LU Wolf is a mascot, Sister Jean is practically an institution. What defines you as a Loyola icon?

The Great Pyrenees mix gnawed on the carpet beneath him as he lay flat on the floor. His teeth tore zigzags between frayed strings, conveying mixed feelings about his classification as an “icon.”

The Phoenix: If not an “icon,” then how would you label yourself?

The 8-year-old pup moved from the ripped carpet to sit upright. His hindlegs to the floor, Ashlar bent down and scratched behind his ear. The act communicated a desire to relieve stress as a caretaker, and be recognized as such.

The Phoenix: Do you have a specific methodology for your practice?

Returning to the floor, Ashlar rolled on his back. He swayed side-to-side, scratching his back against the carpet as his paws fanned the air. Eyes up and tongue lolling, he was clearly explaining his method as being a generous listener for his patients. True catharsis can only come from belly rubs, of course.

The Phoenix: Your role as a therapy dog must be quite taxing. Are there any anecdotes you’d like to share?

He sneezed. After shaking his head, Ashlar anxiously paced around the room. He halted at the sound of a bird whistle and gave a testy bark. The therapy dog had heard horror stories of an apparent “poop bandit” operating in San Francisco Hall. Ashlar suspects one of his clients may be the guilty culprit, but dog-patient confidentiality forbids him from revealing their identity to The Phoenix.

The Phoenix: You’ve been a therapy dog at Loyola for some time. But there was a second dog who worked with you, isn’t that right?

He reared his head from the window and began panting. A low growl reverberated from his jaw as his pupils glared in the room’s dim light.

The Phoenix: What happened to Santos, Ashlar.

The canine bared his teeth. Ashlar’s right paw stomped on the floor, vaguely warning The Phoenix not to press further. His raised hair explained Santos hadn’t behaved well, so he’d been removed. Ashlar moved forward steadily with a raised tail when, suddenly, a second bird chirped from outside. He pounced on the window and attempted to climb up the glass effectively shaking off his aggressive stupor.

The Phoenix: Do you have a favorite aspect of campus life?

His tongue lapped and smeared against the window, attempting to catch a bird between autumn trees. Outside of helping students feel at ease, the campus wildlife is his greatest delight. Squirrels in particular are his favorite to antagonize.

The Phoenix: We live in turbulent times, politically, socially and economically. Do you have any advice for Loyola students?

Ashlar: The road to authoritarianism is paved by simple solutions. The establishment has caved to preserve self interest. Remain kind, remain firm, remain just. Freedom only comes to the defiant.
Ashlar is available for sessions on Tuesdays at 11:15 a.m. in the IC, Wednesdays at 11:00 a.m. in Damen Student Center, Thursdays at 1:00 p.m. in the IC and Fridays at 11:00 a.m. in the Sullivan Center.