Put a Pause on Protecting Your Peace

In the era of COVID-19, when TikTok was still in its humble beginnings, one of the earliest trends I can remember was the mental health revolution. Budding influencers took to their platforms, fighting to destigmatize mental health and push viewers toward grounded mindsets. 

One phrase from this era I still hear today is “protecting your peace” —  a phenomenon advocating for simply walking away from toxic aspects of life as a form of self-preservation. 

Setting boundaries is a crucial part of maintaining healthy relationships, according to Cleveland Clinic, but there’s an extent at which boundaries do more harm than good. The straw that breaks a good boundary is poor communication — a behavior seemingly encouraged by protecting peace. 

While I’m a fierce advocate for self-care and have had my own battles with mental health and prioritizing my needs, there are still things we owe to each other. When we protect our peace and isolate to practice self-care, oftentimes communication is stunted as a result. However, cutting off connections to the world is not only a disservice to oneself, but can be a painful experience for the people who wind up left on read. 

It seems by chasing a sense of peace we’ve lost empathy, and we’re now slowly morphing into a culture of justified selfishness. There’s a difference between prioritizing mental health and being inconsiderate, but it feels like the gap between those attitudes is constantly shrinking. 

Canceling plans at the last minute or opting not to show up altogether are prime examples. Hosting or even just planning a get-together takes time, effort and can be costly. While canceling to focus on rest may seem like a small act, there’s an ache thrust upon the friend who’s now forced to confront your empty chair. 

Even if it’s showing up for ten minutes, sometimes sitting in the uncomfortable and pushing yourself to get up and out makes all the difference. Yet, it seems we’ve forgotten that while we owe ourselves patience and care, we owe those things to others as well. 

We owe each other respect. We owe those we interact with mutual kindness and consideration. We can sacrifice small blips of our time for the good of those around us. It takes mere seconds to send a text message, and sometimes that’s all it takes to completely alter the trajectory of someone’s day. 

Prioritizing your own needs is valid, but communication is necessary to maintain relationships. 

Life stories aren’t owed, but requesting space or offering reassurance are courtesies in relationships that seem to be long forgotten. It’s not necessary to divulge the cause of a fit of depression or to explain what’s keeping you up at night, but, clearly listing your needs or communicating when space is necessary can make a huge difference to those in our lives watching from the outside. 

It’s time to stop using protecting our peace as a crutch for being a bad friend.

Taking care of yourself, whether that means canceling plans with little notice to catch up on sleep or taking a while to reply to messages as a way to disconnect and unwind can be necessary. But it’s important to acknowledge these actions can hurt people, too. 

In strong relationships and true friendships, it never hurts to take a step back. What does hurt is being left in the dark. 

“Protecting your peace” or claiming “I don’t owe anyone anything” might feel good in theory, but these philosophies have been weaponized to justify being a bad friend guilt-free. Protecting one’s peace is a force of isolation — but it doesn’t have to be that way. 

It’s absolutely possible to take time for yourself and still be a good friend. It just takes work.

It also takes honesty and communication. 

We have every right to put things behind us and move toward something better, but we can’t forget those we hurt.

Sometimes just saying goodbye makes all the difference. 

There are ramifications to protecting your peace too much. Oftentimes it manifests as isolation. When canceling plans and leaving messages on read becomes the norm, you can’t expect those you’ve ignored to be waiting around. Being alone may be peaceful, but it’s not the way to get through life. 

Yes, protect your peace — but protect your friendships too.