Pest Control or Birth Control?

Chicago rats are expressing concern over the city’s recent implementation of rat birth control programs to lower the rodent population. 

The program is aimed at addressing the city’s reputation as the nation’s rattiest city. While humans appear to be backing the program, the rodents have reservations.

Naturally, rat citizens are apprehensive to fully trust this development. 

“I just worry about the side effects,” one rat told The Phoenix. “My diet of garbage already makes me have a hard time with nausea. I can’t imagine how bad it’ll get on birth control.”

Another rat expressed doubt over the availability of the new contraception. 

“With the current political climate, I’m worried birth control may not be as accessible as they’re telling us,” A rodent ambassador for Chicago said.

In the wake of this new policy, more social justice rat groups are forming across subway tracks and colorlines, connecting rats all the way from Loyola Red Line stop to Chinatown’s Green Line. Divided in location but united in cause, religious rat groups are protesting the new “forced” implication of birth control and choosing to abstain. 

Demands to stop forcing the “liberal agenda” on rats have fallen on deaf ears for the City of Chicago as rat contraceptives become a more popular idea in large cities.

The Phoenix reached out to pro-life group Rats of Decency Eluding New Tyblume (RODENT) to ask how they were combatting this new crackdown. 

“We simply will not take it,”a RODENT spokesrat said, “Putting chemicals in our bodies isn’t natural, and if we get pregnant, that is our job as decent-squeaking-women — as mammal mothers — to carry to term.” 

The new program doesn’t seem to be all bad though. Athletes of Rodent Aquatic Teams (RAT), who swim and exercise regularly, said they’re excited at the prospect of being able to halt their menstrual cycle altogether.

Additionally, clinics like Planned Pa-rat-hood have agreed to give out pregnancy tests for rodents choosing not to partake in this new medical development. 

However, with programs like vermin contraception, rodents can feel at ease knowing their contraception is guaranteed by the government, unlike some other, more advanced species. 

Though rats seem to be divided on the topic, they all agree this is a more productive alternative to the first plan laid out by the city — rat poison.

Meanwhile, city cats are struggling to combat rising unemployment rates as the rat population begins to take care of itself. 

“I just want to put food on the table for my kids,” a black tabby told The Phoenix. “It’s scary that this new technology is taking over our jobs.”

It seems that whether the citizens are for or against it, birth control is coming to the rat population of Chicago, changing lives for the worse, or for the cheddar.