Satire: I’m Forced to be an Angel Amongst Sinners This Halloween

The Devil’s favorite holiday, Halloween, is one many sinners can’t wait to participate in — the thrill of getting drunk, partying, dancing with no room for God, scaring others and revealing skin with their costumes. It’s become a rite of passage in society, but the luxury of partaking in these festivities and holiday has its limits, making it truly a buzzkill for souls above the age of 18 but under the age of 21.

As much as I could throw caution to the wind — especially being someone who knows a guy who knows a guy who could get me the golden ticket — I just lack the guts to party and sin-it-up this halloween.

While underage college students can attend frats or house parties, they may end up feeling like they entered one of the seven gates of hell. Sweaty men will be wearing Jason masks and hitting on girls far too young for them. Freshmen girls will go wild as they try to run from whatever hometown demons they’re burdened with, and the small, compact home will reek of sweat, alcohol and regret.

This leaves me with no other option than to sit this year out and live vicariously through friends’ social media posts at frat parties and clubs.

In some odd, sick way, it feels as if I’m being punished by the universe, especially considering Halloween lands on a Friday this year, making it the perfect weekend to turn up at the functions.

Unfortunately, I’m stuck being underage and experiencing extreme levels of FOMO. The awkward ages of 18 to 20 are the pinnacle of dullness as we’re aged out of being considered a child, yet too young to be an actual adult.

We’re far too old to be trick or treating and roaming around our neighborhoods scaring strangers — unless we want Karens to call the cops on us. We have to start worrying about our health, meaning we can’t stuff our face with candy and chocolate without feeling the consequences the next morning.

To make matters worse, by the time us under-21-year-olds age up, the older friends we want to live our best lives with will have already retired from their party days. Their livers will need breaks, and they’ll no longer want to dress up, having become “grown.”

As someone who is in what I deem “the in-between,” I’ve already come to terms with the fact that Halloween is just not the holiday for me. 

While my friends brag about their plans and show off their costumes, I’ll tell them my plan to keep the lights off to avoid children begging for candy.

I don’t want to be bothered by those candy-gobbling scallywags. 

I won’t be getting in the festive spirit through decorations because it’s already too late to order on Amazon. I won’t be watching Disney’s Monstober movie marathon because I’m deathly afraid of Phears from “Mostly Ghostly.”

I’m not carving pumpkins because I lack the work ethic and artistic talent, and I won’t be attending a pumpkin patch at the height of flu season.

It’s okay, though. In all honesty, why should we celebrate such a day that promotes bad habits?

Does anyone know what we’re even celebrating on Halloween, or is the day just an excuse to get drunk and practice gluttony?

Sure, we can be creative and create memories with strangers or lifelong friends — or we can be model citizens who don’t partake in the trap of Halloween.

Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise that I am not pushing ‘unc status’ and living in sin at these social gatherings.

I will proudly take on the role of being the not yet adult, not unchildish Halloween grinch  — that is, of course, until I become 21. Then I will become exactly like the others.