Dining Hall Cereals, Ranked By Their Compatibility With Water

The curse of lactose intolerance claims the souls of nearly 70% of people worldwide. Though many of us unfortunate beings attempt to push through it, it becomes increasingly clear our bodies aren’t entirely fit to sustain milk-drinking, especially not with daily meals like cereal.

The solution, however, is closer than we may think. Countless companies push out unappetizing and, frankly, gross milk and dairy substitutes more frequently than the people need. 

From almond to oat to even pea milk — the newest addition to Simpson Dining Hall’s dairy-free beverages — our often stale and usually reliable dining hall cereal goes overpowered. Waves of opaque milk-esque liquid crash over colorful puffed wheat like a wave over a lone raft. The milk substitute isn’t enough because it could never amount to the joy and flavor profile provided by real dairy.

The solution? Closer than we may think. Instead of expensive and bitter-tasting alternatives, why don’t we lose the idea of milk altogether? 

When we’re focused on trying to find the perfect milk substitute, we lose sight of an innovative and possibly delicious option — one who’s vaguely free and also filtered from our favorite 22,300 square mile neighbor, Lake Michigan? 

Yes, it sounds weird. Water in cereal isn’t the first option in a long line of liquids which could work as milk alternatives, but it isn’t outlandish. The main focus of a bowl of cereal is simple — the cereal. Milk shouldn’t be the reason why we’re eating cereal, rather the sugary and colorful bite-size pieces who come in rainbow-colored boxes. 

Granted, not all cereals are the same, so I’ve taken the liberty of rating three of the most popular cereals in our dining halls, based on their compatibility with water. Decisions for ratings will be made on the basis of looks, taste, crunchiness and overall appeal.

Starting off strong is the classic Fruit Loops. Fruit Loops are cloyingly sweet and bright, shaped like fat Cheerios. On my scale, Froot Loops scored around a 5.5 out of 10. Because Froot Loops are so porous, water was quick to invade the dry sanctity of the cereal, taking it down a few points since it became soggy almost immediately. For the most part, the taste was salvageable after the sogginess, but it couldn’t make up for the atrocity of the texture. 

Additionally, two points were knocked off for the film of oil accumulating on the surface of the water. Had it been milk, this would have gone unnoticed.

The second trial — Apple Jacks — went similarly. Because they share similarities in both flavor and consistency, Apple Jacks received a score of six out of 10. It only scored a half point higher because of its better flavor profile, and the heavy lifting the cinnamon did to make the dish more appetizing. 

After these two trials, the experiment became a lot less exciting and a lot more gross. It seemed as if maybe there was a reason for the lack of water in our cereal. 

However, from the ashes of the Froot Loops and Apple Jacks rose a third, spectacular option: Mini Wheats.

Mini Wheats scored a whopping eight out of 10. Not only was the dish appealing in its looks, but it also tasted almost exactly like its milk counterpart. The water made little to no difference in the cereal, and because of its structure, it didn’t get soggy as quickly as the first two trials. It was near perfect on all accounts.

As the tests came to a close, it became increasingly clear maybe water isn’t the ideal alternative for milk. Us lactose intolerants will simply have to broaden our search to new horizons and explore further possibilities. Though not all cereals are terrible with water, it seems to be a more lackluster option for our meals.

One day, we will find the perfect liquid for cereal everyone can enjoy, but for now, maybe we push through our lactose-induced agony and stick with the most reliable option.