No Thanks to Thanksgiving Food

Flavorless, dry and soggy. These are the words coming to mind when I think about thanksgiving food. No part about Thanksgiving food is enticing and, honestly, it can ruin the entire day. 

Coming from the Midwest, green bean casserole and jello salad were holiday staples. However, mushy green beans soaked in mushroom soup and topped with soggy french onions isn’t my ideal meal, and the concept of jello salad is absurd given the ingredients: jello, cottage cheese, canned pineapple, cherries and heavy whipping cream. 

Yes, it’s as disgusting as it sounds. 

Beyond the staple Midwest sides, the turkey’s sure to be overcooked, underseasoned and impossible to chew. Gravy’s not the cure for poorly made turkey, it’s just an unreasonable amount of salt drawing out the rancid taste of turkey. 

Stuffing tends to be a crowd pleaser regardless of location — something I’ve never understood. Cut up bread with egg, chicken broth and vegetables all baked together? The bread becomes squishy, and the vegetables are still somehow undercooked, sure to leave one’s mouth in disarray.

I will admit, a well made bowl of mashed potatoes has high odds of winning me over, but given people’s fear of salt, many times my favorite thanksgiving dish ends up tasting blander than plain tofu. 

Unfortunately, my family didn’t make mashed potatoes growing up, they made cheesy potatoes. Sounds promising from hearing the name, however once you set your eyes on still raw scalloped potatoes, coated in five different kinds of cheese that smell rotten and being soaked in pool butter so deep you can’t see the bottom, a potato will never look the same again.  

The dessert is bland and boring. I’m not a fan of soggy bottom apple pie or a pumpkin pie so artificial it’s as if I’m eating a pumpkin scented candle from Bath and Body Works. Using grandma’s pie recipe from before the dawn of time isn’t the right way, no matter how nostalgic it may be.

Paired with a mediocre meal are kids crying, uncles and aunts arguing about politics and the kitchen almost starting on fire. 

I do understand the tradition associated with Thanksgiving food, but I think people can love traditions, and even still make the meals, while acknowledging they’re outdated and often poorly executed.  

Dry turkey, stroke-inducing gravy and mushy casserole should not get people excited for the break and isn’t the key to ignoring family drama. The only way to get through a prolonged family dinner is to toss the unpalatable traditions for updated flavorful dishes.