Satire: Save Me, Conventionally Attractive Politician, Save Me.

Division. 

Division has been embedded in the framework of our country since its creation. Unity hasn’t ever been in reach, let alone a concept championed by the American people.

But there’s one thing which will get Americans to put down their pitchforks, throw their beliefs out the window and lower their blood pressures — a universally attractive man in power.

While I’m sick and tired of men in power, we live in a world where women endure more hatred and have fewer supporters than convicted murderers, so unfortunately the idea of a woman leading our country is becoming a fleeting dream.

Our country has never rallied together more than when it comes to supporting a hot man — well, any man quite frankly, but being good looking is a plus.

Pretty privilege is real, and no matter how harmful this rhetoric is, it’s applied in everyday life. Whether or not someone holds the door open depends on one’s attractiveness, not because they want to be a good person and do a kind act. 

This concept holds true even across industries. Actors seem to get booked based on how defined their jawline is, not talent. If they align with the mysterious bad boy or voluptuous blue-eyed blonde archetype, they seem to be more likely to be cast.

One of the greatest inventions of the modern century — and personally something I and many others look forward to every year — is the unveiling of People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.

Nothing like seemingly people of all ages, races and genders coming together to drool over the same person.

Which is why it should be mandatory for only attractive politicians to be in the running for office.

I mean let’s face it, I can’t name all the presidents of the United States. But what I do know, is the most notable ones happen to be the most pleasing to look at — specifically, John F. Kennedy and Barack Obama.

Say what you want about both these men and their polices, but you can’t in good conscience call them ugly, unless you’re a pathological liar.

I want a president whose face card doesn’t decline even when losing a debate.

We need a president who can walk a runway and be on the cover of Vogue or the latest Calvin Klein ad. The people need a president with an abundance of thirst edits on TikTok to Lana Del Ray songs. Is it too much to ask for a president whose suaveness inspires Wattpad writers to get back in their bag?

Someone whose pearly white smile distracts me from the political and economic state of the world.

Preferably, they should be between 35 and 52. That way, the American people don’t need to worry about the leader of our nation’s cognitive abilities, but the new president is still experienced.

There can be some exceptions though as I don’t discriminate against silver foxes — yes I’m talking about you, Gavin Newsom.

There’s some great ways to get the ball rolling on a new method for elections.

Pageantry. If yearly we have women from all over the world battle it out to be Miss Universe, we could use this format to determine our next president.

Have two representatives from each state, one democratic and one republican and have them walk down in different attire — formal, casual, athletic and swimwear — and let their bodies speak for themselves. 

The pageant can utilize a March Madness like bracket system for those to vote and we can even bet on the outcome — odds are a democrat will take the win.

We can have Steve Harvey maintain his hosting job, and I want the judges from America’s Got Talent asking the participants questions and giving them the golden buzzer the more attractive they are.

Let’s even host it at the White House. If Dana White and the UFC can host pay-per-view bouts at the same place Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation of Proclamation, then why can’t we host a pageant altering the fate of our country there? Sounds reasonable to me.

Who am I kidding? With the looks of it we’re lucky if we even have an election in 2028, but a girl can dream.