Satire: Congrats! You’re Pre-approved for Serfdom

Welcome to Feudalism!

Don’t worry — this isn’t a downgrade. It’s more of a lateral adjustment. In fact, based on the skills from your former life — rent payment, debt tolerance and the ability to call exploitation “the market” — we’re happy to inform you’ve been pre-approved for peasantry!  

Now, you may be thinking, “But I’m free.” Of course you are. You’re free to choose between your landlords, free to choose between dead-end jobs and free to choose between skipping your annual doctor’s appointment or a month of rent.

Nothing quite says freedom like choosing between three insurers who all agree your body is a pre-existing condition.

Us Americans already treat poverty as a moral failing, and wealth as the supposedly renowned proof of one’s toil, intellect and character. What capitalism so effortlessly rebranded as “meritocracy” is just feudal logic with extra steps. We love your cultural commitment to values of obedience thinly veiled as optimism, duress dubbed “personal responsibility.” 

Yes, we know the use of the word “lord” instead of “boss” may take a little getting used to. Where boss implies you can leave, lordship implies you can try. If your lord seems unreasonable, remember you can always seek a better arrangement if another manor is hiring.

You might be wondering, “If I can’t leave, then what does the lord provide?”

Great question. In modern feudalism, your lord will provide nothing directly.

But you’re used to this already. I mean, healthcare is already entwined with your job, educational debt is with you ‘til death do you part and housing prices are at an all-time high. So why risk asking for more? 

Why try organizing against these systems when creating unrest will just leave you replaced by someone more servile? When the necessities of life are privatized, dissent becomes a luxury you cannot afford.

We’re pleased to find out you already accept this fundamental truth of feudalism. You already treat rent as your primary concern, the first bill to be paid, the sacred bill, the bill which must be paid before food, before rest and certainly before any vague notion of self-dignity. Rent isn’t a fee you pay for shelter; it’s a monthly reminder someone else was endowed with the land you maintain. Noticing your rent has increased? 

Well, just repeat after me, “It’s just the market” — the modern-day equivalent of “It’s God’s will.” 

A functional manor asks of you one thing, and this is to not recognize yourself as a peasant. We are fine with you identifying others as peasants; in fact, we encourage it. Luckily, you’ve been fed this idea for decades.

Instead of blaming the pernicious tax collector, you choose to blame the neighboring village. Instead of demanding structural changes, you demand the water rise so those already submerged sink deeper, even when you’re barely breathing yourself. The lord calls this phenomenon “taking personal accountability.”

After all, every peasant here is only a temporarily embarrassed lord, patiently awaiting their crown in the mail.

Please direct all rage horizontally. Wishing to seek a permit for vertical rage? Please contact the Office of Lordly Compliance.

The modern peasant doesn’t need to be convinced the lords aren’t corrupt, just kept tired enough not to care.

Feudal peasants used to pray for rain to bless the land, now they pray for their cars to start and their bosses to be in a good mood. They pray their hours aren’t cut, their insurances approve what they have already promised and one mispayment doesn’t spiral into a decade of loan repayment. 

The American working class, reduced to modern peasantry, doesn’t pray because they’re weak. They pray because they’ve been fooled into believing the manor’s stability is a privilege called freedom.

And if somehow — after all of this — you still feel the peculiar urge to demand better, to organize, to resist, to look up instead of around, please remember you’re free to do so. Just don’t forget to fill out the proper paperwork, because if you do forget, you will be reminded just how replaceable freedom really is.