The EVArything Bagel Chronicle: A Jersey Girl’s Quest to Uncover Chicago’s Best Bagel

There are three things New Jerseyans cannot stop talking about: Bruce Springsteen, the luxury of not pumping our own gas, and bagels. 

As a first-year Jersey girl who’s been missing home a bit since move-in, I promise to spare you the first two and cut straight to the third nostalgic piece of my homeland. 

But first, let’s bypass some lazy culinary cliches. I don’t care that New Yorkers claim their tap water makes their bagels instantly superior, and I’m not another East Coast transplant here to profess the Midwest can’t bake. In fact, if you’re still purchasing mass-produced rings of fluff from your local Starbucks and thinking that’s what Chicago’s bagel scene is all about, that’s entirely on you. 

Chicago is currently in the middle of a massive bakery boom, one where local bakers have the power to save the day and prove the city’s culinary scene is far more than deep dish and Portillo’s. 

With each new neighborhood bakery claiming bagel authenticity, the word has lost its true meaning. For a foreigner from the New York Tri-State area, entering a bakery evokes a lingering fear of being handed a pillowy circular roll — without even a centimeter schmear of cream cheese. If you can squish a “bagel” with two fingers and it doesn’t even try to fight back, chances are you’re eating a savory marshmallow — not a bagel.

So why trust a homesick freshman to review Chicago’s bakeries? 

Unlike most, my standards weren’t formed by Instagram food trends or itinerary guides — they were ingrained in the heart of local Jersey institutions. I grew up in Harrington Park, a small town in Bergen County — the exact epicenter of bagel culture. Like most suburbs of New York City, my hometown is studded with local pizzerias, diners and, of course, family-owned bagel shops. 

I’ve spent countless hours throughout my childhood exploring bagel shops: after Sunday morning Mass with family, Saturday soccer games with teammates — I even had a blueberry bagel with cream cheese every single day of eighth grade. I know the perfect ratio of bagel seasonings and I can tell the difference between an act-of-love baking operation and a carelessly rushed routine  just by looking at the patterns on the crust. 

I’m not grading based on a curve. I’m grading based on experience.

“The EVAthing Bagel Chronicle” is a weekly, no-frills exploration into Chicago’s exploding bagel scene. Throughout this quest, I’ll be using a simple sample bagel, an everything bagel with cream cheese, judged off five firm metrics.

The Crust

Every solid bagel requires a glass-like, blistered exterior that audibly shatters on the first bite. It must possess a distinct, golden-brown glow from a proper kettle boil process. It should never be smooth, shiny or identical to a soft dinner roll.

The Seasoning

To succeed in seasoning, an everything bagel must meet two expectations: 

1.  Seasoning must be present throughout the bagel exterior, both top and bottom. It should be so covered that simply lifting the bagel to your lips sends a fall of spices spilling onto your lap.
2. An everything bagel’s seasoning blend should consist of salt, poppy seeds, white sesame seeds, black sesame seeds, dried minced garlic and dried minced onion. Any additions to this blend are tolerable, but any fault in this standard recipe is a crime against the craft of bagel baking.

The Cream Cheese

Tangy, heavily whipped and applied with the most generosity, cream cheese — also known as schmear — must have a viscosity that matches the weight of the dough and is spread evenly from edge to edge, on both sides. If I can see the naked face of the bagel peeking through the cream cheese, that bakery has failed. 

As for flavor, cream cheese should have a pleasant tanginess balanced alongside a touch of salt and refreshing milk flavor — a sour or sweet sensation is never a good sign.

The Size and Shape

While this category may seem insignificant, the size and shape of a bagel is essential. The perfect bagel should fit easily into the palm of your hand, about the size of a softball. The hole in the center must be a clear, defining mark, not swallowed up by an overpoofed interior that closes the gap.

The Texture

Finally, the ultimate test of a bagel’s structural integrity. The perfect bagel should have an almost bungee texture to it when bitten. Its interior should be a dense, tight lattice of dough that provides a rubbery rebound with each mouthful. If you bite into a bagel and it collapses effortlessly without a little bit of chew, chances are you might actually be eating a paper plate. A bagel must have enough of a  chew to it that engages your jaw slightly, but isn’t too tiring. 

So, Chicago, there you have it: the bar is set high, the metrics are locked in, and my dining hall meal plan is officially on standby. Don’t let me down. Whether you’re a neighborhood staple trying to defend your turf or a trendy new pop-up hoping to survive a Tri-State interrogation, consider yourselves on high notice. Welcome to the “EVArything Bagel Chronicle” – let the quest begin.