‘The Life of a Showgirl: The Encore’ Needed a Curtain Call

Rating: 2

“The Life of a Showgirl” should’ve been contained at “Patient Zero.”

On Sept. 25, Swifties everywhere “cried their eyes violet” to “The Life of a Showgirl: The Encore” —  a four-track abomination expanding Taylor Swift’s latest glitzy pop era. This time, the “tortured poet” offers a cacophonous twist — her melodies couldn’t be more painful.

Providing over 14 minutes of mushy millennial lyricism promising little to no relatability, the second disc of Swift’s 12th studio album might’ve sung stronger if it was kept under wraps. From the billionaire behind unforgettably awful hits like “Wood” and “Cancelled,” here are the latest melodies of mediocrity leaving lasting hums of annoyance on their listeners.

‘Patient Zero’

“I know!”

The fantastically forgettable track kicks off the not-so-delicate disaster project, unfortunately enveloping a practically spoken-verse bridge in between three minutes of choral confusion. As an added boost of discomfort, the lyrics present a unique musical concoction of questionably cringe statements.

“But if you’re sick of him, I got you, I was patient zero,” Swift sings shoddily.

Quarantine yourself and steer clear of this plague on the world of pop music.

‘Cleveland!’

Here’s “something we all can agree on” — the second installment of “The Encore” might’ve ruined whatever chance this record had of earning supporters.

The opening chords of the pop-flop felt promising, evoking the happy-time mood swings signature to the songwriter’s “1989” album. 

And then came the lyrics.

“You only need to find one person in this entire world / Who doesn’t find you completely insufferable / And I have an important announcement to make / I found mine,” Swift speak-sings, strangely slurring her substandard words. 

One thing’s for sure — audiences are sure to find this not-“Actually Romantic” hit insufferable.

‘Pink Clouding’

Stylish synths and subtle snare drums unite in this average bubblegum-pop dirge, combining strange vocal echoes with a somewhat catchy melody and a concept miles away from anything remotely close to showgirl culture.

Running slightly over three minutes and serving as the auditory embodiment of tasteless honey, the penultimate piece of the project is nothing to write home about.

In the words of the opening track off Swift’s seventh studio album, “It isn’t love, it isn’t hate, it’s just indifference.” 

‘Babylon’

Rounding out the painful journey into showgirl life is the three-and-a-half minute sad-girl bop beautifully blending the deluxe album’s central theme of obscurity. 

Although it’s arguably the strongest of Swift’s latest symphonic fever-dreams, it doesn’t say much. The singer showcases the songwriting she’s known for, but the piece has one fatal flaw — it’s part of “The Encore.”

“Then that melody is all you want / You never knew that it was Babylon / ‘Til it was gone,” Swift sings.

While “The Encore” isn’t pretty or witty, it is magnificently messy. The next time the quartet makes an inevitable appearance on Spotify, consider redirecting toward a spoken-word audiobook.

Some things are better left unheard.