The EVArything Bagel Chronicle: Bleecker Street Cafe 

Welcome readers, new and returning, to The EVArything Bagel Chronicle, where I persist in finding the best bagel in Chicago. This week, after high demand, I decided to try out a place Loyola students know all too well — Bleecker Street Cafe in Damen Student Center.

Sigh. 

Going into this, I knew Bleecker Street wouldn’t have a high score like previous contenders of this column. To me, Bleecker is nothing more than a pitstop between classes for a Starbucks caffeine boost, one where I shiver in pity at the gloomy, cold bagels in the display case. However, my empathy got the best of me, and I decided to give their everything bagel a chance.

Part of me worries that reviewing an on-campus bagel is a high-stakes operation that could lead to a suspension. But the broke-college-student half of me can’t be bothered with spending another $10 on a breakfast, so rolling out of bed and grabbing a quick bite using dining dollars remains unrivaled.

Enough of my rambling, let’s see how Bleecker Street Cafe held up when forced to face a true East Coast bagel connoisseur.

The Crust

Bleecker’s crust appeared smooth and monocolored — no blisters or golden tints like a perfected bagel exterior. With that, each bite came with a sad, complete and utter silence. I thought bombing my exam Monday morning was bad, but I don’t think anything will come close to Bleecker’s failure in this category. Bleecker leaves the crust round with zero out of 1 point.

The Seasoning

This seasoning blend wasn’t too poorly balanced in flavor, but it was so tragically sparse it felt less like an everything bagel and more like the ghost of one. The flavor was so subtle, as if whoever baked it merely whispered the word “seasoning” over the dough from across the room. My favorite comparison would be drinking flavored seltzer water, where I’m left squinting at the can, questioning whether I’m actually tasting fruit or experiencing a hallucination on the tip of my taste buds. Bleecker earns only 0.25 out of 1 point for seasoning.

The Cream Cheese

When I stepped up to the counter to put in my order — the classic everything bagel with cream cheese — the kind lady at the cash register handed me two one-ounce cups of Philadelphia cream cheese and said, “The bagel will be out in a minute.” 

Now, if you read my previous review of Lefty’s Righteous Bagels in Evanston, Ill. and PopUp Bagels in Lincoln Park, you know ordering a bagel with cream cheese requires the schmear to be spread by whoever’s behind the counter — not the customer. 

However, if given a side of cream cheese, I should never be handed two miniature packets of schmear from a mega-corporation — no hate, Philadelphia, your cream cheese is delicious. It should be homemade and locally sourced or —  at the very least — Philadelphia cream cheese disguised as one of the two. Because Philadelphia cream cheese doesn’t have too bad of a flavor, Bleecker saves itself by a hair, scoring 0.25 out of 1 point for this category.

The Size and Shape

Bleecker almost perfects this category. Their everything bagel had a perfect hole at the center of the ring, just like a donut, but leaned slightly on the larger side. Bleecker just misses perfection here with 0.75 out of 1 point for size and shape.

The Texture

Unfortunately, the bagel’s interior is the mirror of illusion. It presents itself as dense with tiny, uniform air pockets, but its texture lacks a nice chew that differentiates a bagel from a regular dinner roll. While not terrible, it’s not enough to award a full point. Bleecker shaves off half a point for this round, finishing its breakdown with 0.5 out of 1 point for texture.

The Verdict

Adding all the category scores together, Bleecker Street Cafe meets my Jersey standards with the newest column low of 1.75 out of 5 points. While a pleasantly quick — and technically free if you never use your dining dollars like me — breakfast before sitting through hours of lectures, it certainly isn’t a spot I’d write home about. 

If you want to test out this campus standard for yourself, make sure to stop by Bleecker Street Cafe in Damen Student Center, open 7:30 a.m. to 10 p.m. seven days a week.

P.S. Loyola, please don’t banish me from campus, I love campus dining.