Satire: Spring Break Bod? More Like Spring Break Pod

Personally, I would love to see more men in podcasting.

I had this epiphany while sitting in the Halas Recreation Center locker room, overhearing two bros discuss the pick-up lines they planned to use later that night. I realized — after listening to them for what felt like two years — my pick-up game is weak, and I’m in desperate need of advice.

Their insight on how to get a woman’s attention was flawless. The skills they could teach me could easily be put to good use at McGee’s Tavern & Grille or The Oasis Tavern. I honestly don’t know how there wasn’t a line of women outside the locker room waiting to get their numbers. 

Where there always seems to be a line, however, is in the basement of Halas on the pec fly machine. 

While I stood by a bench, waiting for seven dudes to finish flexing in front of the weight rack, I thought about what I was missing in life and I came to a realization. These men. These studly men. These quintessentially studly manly men needed to get out of my way and into the studio.

I figure if all the gym bros left to start podcasting careers, then I would have access to whatever machine I want. 

The U.S. population is 49% male, but only 55% of podcasters are men. We’re getting dangerously close to having an even 50-50 split in podcasting — and I can’t stand for it.

There need to be more male voices in podcasting. Specifically there need to be more male Loyolans as podcast hosts.

Ask anyone on campus and they’ll tell you Loyola men have some really good takes. As someone who frequently changes in the Halas men’s locker room, I feel gym bros’ voices in particular need to be heard.

I know spring break is just around the corner — and I’m sure people are trying to get a pump in before break starts — but I’d really appreciate it if people jumped on the podcast train and left the gym entirely instead of lifting right next to me.

Their energy should be shared with the world, not stuck underground. 

I’d encourage gym bros to find a table, a quiet room and a mic, and to just let their opinions fly on a podcast. The first step in starting a new hobby is always the hardest. Just get out of the gym and press record — what could go wrong?

Instead of using the piece of equipment I’m trying to use, try leaving the gym and talking about male loneliness.

Instead of flexing muscles in the mirror, how about flexing the biggest muscle — the brain — on Spotify by imparting wisdom on politics or women in cinema.

I know gym bros love to clog the pathway between machines, chatting loudly enough for me to hear their whole conversation about looksmaxxing and how hard their business classes are. But I’d like to pitch the idea of hanging out at home and recording the conversations so I can enjoy them after my workout. 

Loyola’s student body is only 31% male and, as minorities, having a seat at the podcasting table is crucial for our nation and for our university to better understand students’ needs.

One need I’ve experienced while attending Loyola is the need for fewer men — and people in general — in the weight room.

Podcasting is an extremely beneficial form of media, and aside from Andrew Tate, Joe Rogan, Ben Shapiro, Jack Paul, Logan Paul, Lex Fridman, Sean Hannity and Alex Jones, there isn’t really enough male representation in podcasting. 

So please, if you read this newspaper, don’t go to the gym. Go online and buy podcasting equipment — because the people want to hear from you.